Brave.
I love the idea of New Year's resolutions, but over time discovered that it was easier for me to adopt a concept that could be braided into my daily life. So now, I try to find a word that can serve as my compass for the year. As my professional and personal life have shifted over the last few years, I thought this word would embrace how I needed to tackle the world. Over coffee with a colleague who has recently taken up art, I shared about my self-judgement and self-criticism around anything artsy. My colleague quickly reminded me that my word of the year is brave and challenged me to think differently.
In our work at the Green Shoe Foundation, we spend time with our participants differentiating self-esteem from other esteem. As I reflect on these concepts, I am reminded that bravery can be misunderstood as boldness, fearlessness or willingness to go where no other has gone before. And yet, true bravery is likely an inside job. At the core of self esteem is knowing our worth because we exist, not because we are competent, pleasing, or needed. With self-esteem intact, bravery does not need or require an audience. Bravery begins by deciding to value self independent of approval, reassurance or external validation. Who knew that just thinking about a hidden desire to become an artist could create so much stress? The internal resistance is strong!
Codependency teaches us to organize our value by ow others feel, behave, or respond. Through codependency, bravery might show up looking like self-abandonment dressed up as loyalty, sacrifice or strength.
Art can be just for me in creating a connection to my internal sense of self and exploring my own self-esteem. Art can be more about how I feel about what I create, about how I feel proud in the attempt, and how I can respond with self-compassion and kindness. In this exploration, I am discovering that it takes bravery to stay present to my own feelings, especially when it might conflict with someone else’s expectations. Our worth is unconditional. Bravery can be the practice of choosing to respond instead of react, to be authentic instead of adapting to what others want or need, and to remain grounded in self amidst my own discomfort. Bravery is about staying connected to self even while fear is present, to have the courage to believe that our value is intrinsic, and even if no one claps, we matter.
My first lesson of the year: I can quiet the negative self-talk. I can discover that the courage to create has nothing to do with talent, outcome or recognition. I can abandon comparison and allow vulnerability. I am allowed to be creating without being exceptional. I am allowed to create even if no one ever sees what I create. I can pause and stay present and curious and allow imperfection. My artist self does not define my worth. How important it is to choose authenticity over approval and presence over paralysis! I am learning to embrace a new idea of becoming an artist – the bravest artists are not necessarily the most talents. The bravest artists are the one who keep showing up without abandoning themselves.
