The Gifts We Carry and the Wounds We Hold

Written By Julia Reed, LCSW

Our history—a history we do not fully choose—is the origin of our strengths, the root of our struggles, and is also a gift and an imprint. There is a tension many of us carry, and it is a tension that might be felt but for which we cannot always find words.

Our stories hold gifts: resilience, insight, tenderness, humor, grit, and wisdom that sometimes comes from surviving. Our history can make us more compassionate, aware, and capable of seeing the pain in others. It can deepen our humanity. But our childhood experiences can also leave wounds and imprints. The difficult experiences that shaped us in childhood do not simply disappear. They continue to influence how we think, feel, relate, cope, and move through the world. Our history is not something to erase or “get over,” but something we can explore and come to understand about our most authentic self—what we call the functional adult. You are uniquely you, and your history can function as less of a weight and more of a guide, not something you are stuck in but something you can learn from.

Trauma is often misunderstood as something extreme, catastrophic, or life-threatening. And that can be true. In its simplest and most human definition, trauma is anything less than nurturing that impacts how you think, feel, and behave today. This definition provides a much broader view, and perhaps a more honest one, as it includes what may have happened directly to us and also what we needed but did not receive, distinguishing between overt experiences and covert unmet needs. Sometimes what shaped us most was not only what happened, but also what did not happen for us—comfort that never came, stability that was intermittent or never existed, and tenderness and emotion that may have been absent when we needed it most.

Over time, these experiences and gaps start to shape our internal beliefs about who we think we are—maybe messages like, I am too much, I am not enough, I have to earn love, I cannot trust others. This internal dialogue is often unconscious and ingrained from our past experiences. They are adaptations that developed to help us stay safe, survive, and feel connected in environments where something essential was missing for us as children.

Trauma does not just live in our memory; it also lives in the body. We have learned that trauma, chronic stress, unresolved emotional pain, and those early relational wounds show up physically. Research has shown that early adversity affects brain development, the stress response system, our immune function, and physical health. Trauma is not only a mental health issue, but a whole-person issue. We may feel persistent anxiety or hypervigilance, fatigue that does not improve with rest, digestive or stomach issues, or sleep disturbances, to name a few. Our nervous systems learn those patterns early and will adapt and persist long after the threats to safety and security are gone. This is why insight alone is sometimes not enough. You can know something intellectually but still feel stuck physically and emotionally.

The goal of our model at the Green Shoe Foundation (developed by Pia Mellody and called the Model of Developmental Immaturity) is not blame, but intentional awareness about what you are feeling and thinking. This shift can be powerful in reducing shame, promoting curiosity, and creating a space where healing is possible. Rather than focusing on pathology, the Green Shoe Foundation retreat helps individuals understand how unmet needs and trauma impact emotional regulation, self-worth, boundaries, and relationships. We ask and explore what happened, what was missing, how that is showing up, and what needs healing now. When we explore our own history and stop organizing ourselves around our pain, we can create a life that is less reactive and more intentional. We begin to shift from past danger to present relationship and start responding rather than reacting. These shifts rebuild and strengthen safety, truth, repair, and connection.

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month. Prevention is not just about stopping harm before it starts, but also about secondary prevention: recognizing the impact of harm early, reducing its long-term effects, and intervening in ways that strengthen families and stop the trauma legacy. We can also notice and support struggling families and children and offer acts of kindness and support for overwhelmed caregivers and parents. When we understand trauma, families (parents, caregivers, and children) stop being seen as difficult or dysfunctional and instead can be seen as individuals adapting to pain in the only ways they know how.

You do not get to choose the environment that shaped you, but you do get to decide how you understand it and what you do with it.

Healing is rarely neat—it can be rough, slow, and humbling. Our history is both a gift and a burden (until we learn to carry it differently). The gift is not that we were wounded, but that healing can make us wiser and more compassionate than we were before.

I invite you to take a look at who you are now. Get curious and notice how your history is impacting how you think, feel, and behave today. Consider giving yourself the gift of a Green Shoe Foundation retreat to explore your history and strengthen who you are today as your most authentic self.

Julia Reed, LCSW

Julia Reed received her Bachelor of Science from Florida Southern College and her Master of Social Work from the University of Oklahoma and has been a licensed clinical social worker for almost 30 years. Julia’s background as a therapist is in serving children, families and individuals experiencing crisis, recovering from trauma, facing addiction and overcoming other mental health challenges. Julia’s early career interests were child development and infant mental health. On her journey to working with children and families, she witnessed the impact of systems on the development of children. Julia has served in leadership roles at nonprofit agencies serving diverse populations and has a passion for serving children, young people and families. 

For the first 23 years of her career, Julia worked in nonprofit agencies serving diverse populations. Her social work career has provided experience in many settings, including hospitals, juvenile justice and nonprofits. She served as the assistant executive director at Catholic Charities of the Archdiocese of Oklahoma City, the chief operations officer at Sunbeam Family Services, senior director for the University of Central Oklahoma Center for Counseling and Well-Being, vice president of clinical operations for children and family services at NorthCare and as a consultant and trainer for the Oklahoma State Board of Licensed Social Workers. Ms. Reed was a 2018 recipient of the University of Central Oklahoma “Women Who Inspire” award. In 2019, she was selected as the Oklahoma Social Worker of the Year by the Oklahoma Chapter of the National Association of Social Workers. Julia joined Green Shoe Foundation in November 2024 as the executive director.   

Julia sees social work as a profession of storytelling and story collecting, where new connections create space for experiencing the world through someone else’s lens. Ms. Reed loves learning about others, experiencing new places and spaces — in books or in real life — and trying new flavors and foods. As a military brat, Julia moved frequently and attended at least six different schools in her K-12 experience. In her free time, Julia enjoys reading, traveling and spending time with family and pets.

https://www.greenshoe.org/
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The Weight of Caring